Worms and Authority

I am a man of contradictions; and I'm sure that if I dug deep into my past I would find that I have always been that way. And yet I don't believe that my life as a contradiction is similar to a life of hypocrisy. Much like worms do not attempt to assume a position of authority, so I do not make it a habit to live a life of contradictions--they just happen; they are a natural part of the complexities of life.

And here is the contradiction that I think has surfaced in my life: while at once I feel perfectly and yet humbly connected to God, yet at times I do not always feel connected to God's people. While at times the fight to find words to pray to God is no fight at all, still at other times my mouth is shut up and my tongue loses all ability to speak any word of encouragement or word of praise to those with whom I identify as the Body of Christ. At times this struggle is temporary and not so stressful. Yet at other times the struggle can become so intense that I wonder, "Am I even part of the body of Christ?" or "Are they part of the body of Christ?" Questions keep bouncing in and out of my head, and thoughts about expectations and humility, voicelessness and authority, continue to rage within me until my hope and joy of anything of God is stolen from me. And yet I am silent.

I understand that, just as my relationship with God is fraught with mistakes and setbacks this side of heaven, so my relationships with the people of God (my brothers and sisters in Christ!) will not likely be any better this side of heaven. Yet at the same time my heart, and when I am alone my voice, cries out for a deeper walk with those who have committed their lives to my God--even as I cry out to God for a closer walk with Him. Those that I have come to know as devout followers of Christ would agree that without Christ we are, can do, and can attain nothing. Christ said it Himself! "Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), speaking to the image of branches to a vine. Yet can I be so bold as to say that apart from the Body of Christ, the communion of saints, the disciples of Christ, we can't become anyone, do anything, or accomplish anything for ourselves or God's kingdom? I don't think I need to be so bold, for scripture is bold for me: "But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other" (1 Corinthians 12:24-25). If we have become part of the body of Christ through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, then we have been given a purpose and a status that should not be separated from the rest of the body. As Paul continues on in verse 26, "If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." Scripture is clear on the subject: willfully separate yourself from the communion of saints, try to "do" Christianity on your own, and you will die. You will never reach the potential for which God created you.

I must confess that these questions and these proposed answers are not rhetorical. They are not simply random questions that I have sought to answer in order to become "more mature." Rather they are questions that I am struggling with presently, and which do not fail to have a history lugged behind like the proverbial ball and chain. For at present I am struggling with feelings of loneliness and seclusion, inaction and apathy that do not want to die. I have sought the Lord; I am continuing to seek the Lord; I will forever seek the Lord until I die or these questions and concerns are answered. But I have come to realize that I have the potential to become much like my biological father. When life gets hard, when relationships aren't going the way that I expect or desire, there is a potential that I would simply give up and allow the people that I am commanded to love, live their lives without me. Rather than at least try to maintain (heaven forbid develop!) the relationships God has given me, I would be content with letting people move on with their lives; because let's face it, who am I that anyone should pay attention?

Fortunately, the Gospel that has been revealed through Jesus Christ tells my heart different. God hasn't let me go so far away from the truth to know that, though I am from the dust, I am of eternal consequence. There are things about me that have never been, nor ever will be, duplicated. There are thoughts, abilities, passions, and countless other things, that no one has ever had nor ever will have. There are things I will do for God, things I will say for God, people I will meet for God, that others may never have the opportunity to do, say, or meet. And all these things will never come to be (nor praise given back to God) if I allow myself to get in the way of...myself.

It's going to be hard. I am going to make mistakes; after all, I am not infallible, nor have I yet been raised to incorruption. Yet my hope is not in what I see, but in what I have yet to see. My hope is found in the promise that God can change hearts; God can change lives; God can bring people back from the dead; and God can rescue those who are stuck in their own ways. I am no different from anyone on this earth in that regard. But I can't do this alone. I am incapable of experiencing all these things (and more) without the Church. Our culture would suggest otherwise, but I am more inclined to believe what two thousand years of the Christian faith says than what the last 200 years of the American culture says. So if anyone who reads this is going through the same thing, or has yet to receive the answers that I myself and looking for, tell me. Perhaps we can walk this journey together. May God bless you.